An Awesome Gesture Of Light Sparks My 40/40 Fire

So I get this package in the mail!!! Its a package from my Az. sista Summa (Amy Awesomeness Maling)! Its a fantastical 40/40 sweatshirt with an awesome letter of genuine love!!! So I immediately start crying!!! I think I FAILED! I FAILED!!! I didn't uphold my 40/40 promise (again yr 2) and I thought I could just slip under the radar and give it a super solid focused try next year. I thought "Meh, nobody is going to notice, nobody is really holding me accountable no big whoop. Then comes this package with a message of friendship and hope from my ray of sunshine in AZ! My Summa is my accountability!!! Summa, Jols, Rose, and my Dad all did it and beat the odds no excuses! I couldn't get off the couch because there was a Face Off marathon and box of Lucky Charms involved! Then I thought next year I'm really really going do it! OH F Me I am not waiting until next year!! On the first of April (no joke) I am restarting where I left off!! No Excuses No regrets! I will have Summa, Jols, Rose, Dad, and Megerdoo holding me accountable!! I will hang my 40/40 sweatshirt so I can see and know that Amy is telling me to get my ass out there and MOVE!!!!!!!! Summa Maling you are my warmth, light, and SPARK that has ignited my fire to get back out there and finish what I started! This year ain't over! My new awesome sweatshirt will be earned!! Thanks for igniting the Fight & Fire, I'm going to dust myself off and get back in the game! Heart yo Ass Summa!! Fancy!

Adventures at Walmart!

OMG my sister calls with the best story ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She tells me she has had her morning coffee chat with her lady friends and then runs to Walmart to pick something up. She says as she walks in that she has to pee from all the coffee she has consumed and runs in to the bathroom. She says there is a Wet Floor sign up and she walks into the bathroom to see a lady mopping the floor. The all of 4ft 5in tall large woman looks at Megs and yells "The Floor Wet!" Megs says ok and tip toes into the nearest stall. As she is tinkleing she can hear the woman say "DUMB BITCH" be walkin on my wet floors!!!!!!!!! Meg ignores her and then the lady is mopping right outside of the stall she is in muttling "Dumb Bitch on my floors" repeatedly!!!!! So if you know my sister she let it slide once and she is now on Meg Mode and comes flying out of the stall and right up to captain customer service aka wet floor lady! Megs says, "I saw your sign and was careful when I walked on the floor, if you didn't want this Dumb Bitch to walk on your floors you should have closed the bathroom!!!! Then Megs flits off to find the manager!!!!!!!!! She talked to the manager who was very apologetic (I wish I could have seen Meg tell this story to the manager using Dumb bitch to a complete stranger!!!) So Megs is like super serious when telling me this story and I am hysterically laughing on the phone!! I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!!!! Megs also does an awesome Southern Accent so put that together with the constant saying of "Dumb Bitch"!!!!!!!! Megs was also concerned while doing her shopping that Wet Floor lady might bust out of the shelving to attack her!!!!! This story totally made my day!!! Also you don't mess with the Megster you will get the horns and she can potentially turn you to stone with her eyes if she feels like it!!! love ya Dumb Bitch!!!!!!!!

Canine Colon Blow Is On The Loose!!!!!

On running the MAIN Parkway today I had to football training Day high knee it through an 8 ft. long stretch of dog abomination!!! Yes the Main running/walking path had what can only be described as Dog Chili Con CARNAGE everywhere for like I said 8 ft!!! If your going to feed your dog chili-oreo-bran muffin soup please be prepared to clean up the mess! I don't care if you have to bring 7 gallons of water to clear away the mess Do It!!! Be a responsible pet owner and either walk your diarrheasaurus in an uninhabited forest area or clean up the shit storm!!! I will now CSI kit that atrocity rubber gloves and all to find the culprit! I will then drink a gallon of molasses, eat a box of All Bran, skittles (for color), chili and a bottle of laxatives. I will then South Park Style Colon Blow all over their front porch and around all said culprits vehicles. This is definitely worth the jail time I will be facing on my end as Fancy don't run through dog shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avengers was great but I could make it EPIC!!!

Yes my long awaited movie of movies is finally here and manchild and I went to see visionary greatness!!! It was bombdigity but just missing one teensey tinsey thing!! A simple fix really!!!!! Okay you know that scene in Top Gun yes the EPIC Volley Ball Scene!!! Ya! Ya! that one.... well that is the only thing missing from Avengers!! I just need to see Captain America wearing shorty shorts in his color scheme with a big star on the ass. Hulk wears purple shorty shorts, Iron man wears his shorty shorts red with a the blue light thing he needs to live placed you know right where!!! Thor wears the silver shimmery armor like shorty shorts with some Galic Thor planetary scripture writing around the thigh area. Hawkeye wears black with arrows pointing to his...... well his big arrow! Black Widow can just bring water bottles to splash the shirtless wonders with water as needed in the scene! This is Cinematic gold my friends!!! Moms like me which I refer to as MWPMFS.....(Moms Who Pay Money For Sitters!!) really need some boom out of their movie experience to know that paying for a sitter was really worth it! Its just a nice teamwork scene that was really needed as a moral booster for the movie! I am going to have Stan Lee over for Lunchables after I drop off Cooper for school to discuss the lack of shirtlessness and maybe making the shorty short costume the new costume for future Marvel Avenger flicks! I really think if they make this tiny change it will make the film Oscar worthy or at least Oscar Meyer worthy (ha ha ha I love me some meat!!). I will be printing this option for Marvel Studios on Fancy paper then going to the top of the studios and throwing parade like quantities of these flyers all over the studio lot!! Just like in the movie She-Devil where Roseanne throws all those flyers off the builing to promote her new womens business (remember that flick it totally worked out for her)! Top Gun Volley Ball scenes more movies need this pssssst pass it on to all the movie moguels you know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its Not Easter without some Thunder!!!!!!!

Yes my night of awesomeness totally arrived and did not disappoint!!! I wore bunny ears, a sequin tube top as a skirt followed by latex like black leggings and a sparklie top and sequin jacket!!!! So I met Ryan at the casino for drinks and food before the big show!! For dinner I chose a corn dog because nothing goes better with strippers than corndogs!!!! My sis in law who is preggers and wearing her best open front JLo like dress to expose baby belly to sweaty man show was there with the other cougar ladies of awesomeness. Ryan got us tix at a table which means closer and more awesomer!! So our table consists of Ryan and I, two older gma type ladies and 3 stuck up snooty chicks who were afraid of the guys perhaps. The show starts off with the Aussie announcer who divides up the room into Party girls and Virgins. So he has the party side whoop it up. Then our side "Virgins" have our turn in where he casually asks Do we have any Virgins in this group. I of course jump up screaming me me me and he says yay right you sit down right now!!!! I am already pumped because I have already made eye contact with Aussie Awesomeness and made myself known!! I really can't believe nobody else jumped up!!! Then the guys come out in pirate costumes and procede to dance to what is the most horrific choreography ever!!! I am fairly boozed up and ready to spider monkey onto any man that comes running shirtless by our table. So half naked pirates are running around and there are alot of women and not alot of time. As soon as one passes me I jump up and get hugged by sweaty shirtless wonder!!! Yay oh wait a minute I am now covered in buckets of man sweat!!! Then preggy sis in law comes running over to the table and says, "A hug is all you got girl! Step it up!" She was right I needed to step up my game and make this show epic!! So the guys drag some girls on stage for dances and then Aussie Announcer comes back and says Who is celebrating something!! I immediately jump up amongst the the bachlorettes and birthdays and scream " I just got out of Prison!" He points to me and says bunny ears get up here and 2 other chicks are brought on stage. I am freaking out at the possible man dance I am about to recieve!!! I am on stage looking around for the chairs and thinking yay there is 3 of us up here this dance will be stellar! Meanwhile Ryan is having to explain my prison stint to the all the curious women in the row behind us!!! Aussie announces we are having a contest!!! I immediately think oh shit what is this!! An Orgasm contest like on the movie When Harry Met Sally. I am now freaking and frantic! Thank God the other girls had to go first. All I could think of was how the hell am I going to win this thing. The other girls are taking thier turns moaning into the microphone. All I thought was Easter and candy. I have my bunny ears on so I themed it! Aussie comes over to me and I tell him my name is Fancy (duh) and that I'm going to do this Easter style. I then proceed to moan different Easter candy names such as mini M &M's, mini butterfinger, Cadbury creme egg, Easter egg, Easter Carrot, Easter bunny until I climax screaming Jesus Christ!!!! Ya I totally won that shit!!!!!! So I get a Thunder from Down Under Tiara and a free pic with all the dudes!!! Then through the rest of the show the guys will run by and oh there is Fancy!. Aussie Announcer got into the action through the crowd and said "Oh there's Fancy" and proceeded to play my leg like a guitar!!! So best sweaty man show ever and then I have to go home and do my night before Easter things. Chris was in charge of getting their baskets ready. I always do the Easter bunny foot prints out front so it looks like the bunny hopped around our sidewalk. Ummm ya I am crap faced out front painting what looks like giant dinosaur/ostrich footprints on the side walk. I even through some half eaten baby carrots around the porch area. So the night was supa fun but maybe next time maybe not right before Easter. Ya right you know I'm making this a new Easter tradition whose with me!!!!!

I Found A Museum Quality Bookstore Virgin!!!

So now that I have been hooked on these new things to me refered to as "Books" I had to run to Barnes and Noble to get the sequals to my favs. No I'm not getting a Bookfondle techie book reader as I know and have said before they will take all human knowledge and turn against us. So taking the kids to the store is sucktastic but needs to be done. We get to the store and its pooring buckets and my youngest minion walks like a penguin so entering the store I look like I'm a late entry for a wet tshirt contest. I am frantically searching for the Hunger Games books and my kids are like Feral Dogs just wild and of course molesting all the books. So we head back to the kid area for some containment and then I see HIM!!! I am not shitting you when I see White Urkel!!!! This guy who obviously is working his dream job asks if I need help. He had round coke bottle sized glasses very Harry Potter like but not the hot way. He looked mid 30's and had stringy hair pulled back into a tiny pony tail with a little whispy hanging down to add to the awesomeness! I am sure he thought I wasn't running on all four cylinders because I was just staring at him as if I was being Punk'd!!! I had grabbed 2 Chelsea Handler books and Bookstore Virgin then says "OH you are looking at Biographies," then proceeds to tell me he has just read the most amazing biography about a man who can only communicate through blinking. He starts chattin about it and this is where I want to use his pony tail like reigns and say "whoa little book worm mamma gots ta go!" Duuuuuude my kids are running around with Megaphone style loudness, I have 2 books about an alcoholic comidian and her onenight stands Yes please I want to know more through your amazing nerdness!!!! Yes grab me Blinking Mans biography and that Presidential biography on Andrew Jackson too!!! So he finishes his blabbing and I say "Can you be a peach and get me the last 2 Hunger Games books?" He flits off and gets me the books but Oh No he tries to sell me on the Nook!!!!!! I just put my hand up and mutter something about robots and world domination but thanks for your help I say!!! Ughh we finally get out of there but yes I have spotted a museum quality bookstore Virgin!!!!! Grab a StarB's and go check him out he is very chatty!!!!!

Jesus wants me to see strippers!!!!!!!!

Omg I totally forgot I had a blog my bad!!!!!!!! So I am involved in a church group called MOPs where every other Thursday you go with all these moms and drop off your kids at the church's childcare and have breakfast and mom time for 2 hours! When I first joined Mops was the only option I had for childcare and they had me at free breakfast and coffee. I kept to myself as to not scare other moms off and some how was asked to be a table leader. The next year as table leader I was more myself and my table mates were pretty cool. I remember all the ladies talking about their evening plans and then me having to share mine which consisted of me and my friends dressing up like the Golden Girls and scarring younger men off buy trying to get free drinks in obnoxious ways. My girlfriends and I dress up outlandishly go to the casino and try to get guys to eat Ferrero Rochers out of our hands like at the zoo. Most of the ladies laughed and some looked horrified but wanted more details. This year I am yet again by the grace of God and lack of other options been asked to be a table leader. This year has been all about me and my lack of mouth filter. This year started off with a lady from my table last year asking more details about the shinanigans of my Cougar night out last year!!! My table this year is pretty tame with my mentor mom ( older mom with older kids) being the only cool mom. So my table is pretty much summed up by mousey moms who super love Jesus and are scared of me!!!!!!!!! So last Thursday I decided to have totaly diarrhea of the mouth due to complete boredom. The ladies were all talking about plans for the week, one girl was talking about how she makes her own espresso, buys the cups, syrup and everything and Cash and Carry. I am thinking to myself as my eyes roll back into my head duh the coffee is free here coupon queen!!! In the midst of going into a boredom coma I blurt out how I wish this place had an open bar to spice up my coffee o'awesomeness!!! Whoops I remember where I'm at and try to keep my alter FANCY from popping up at the wrong time!! The ladies giggle and I proceed to redirect the discussing to how the grocery store should have a bar so you can take shots while shopping down the isle and that they bag boys could be the designated shopping cart drivers. I told the ladies I was in the works of making this a reality and that I would let them know more as things progressed. Then I get up for more coffee and decide yes Fancy should be the table leader this year as its my last year at Mops why not go out with a mortifying bang!!!!!!! We have a new lady at the table inwhich my mentor mom has to introduce to the table because me being horrible at names can't even remember what day it is let alone a newcomers name. She had been sitting at the table all morning I just thought she knew one of the moms at the table and was being chatty... my bad. New girl yes I still don't remember her name except I'd like to call her amazon woman because she was huge, not fat but just tall and big boned but not chubby or anything. Her baby son was the same way he looked like he was 2 but only 4 months!!! So she mentions she went to a christian college and majored in God and minored in Jesus or something blah blah blah. My pregnant Russian mom is not at the table today to wisk me away with stories of her Russian clepto mom on a shoplifting binge at Ross. She thinks the reason Ross now has security officers at the door is because of her mom. But alas the table has limited entertainment and goody goody Amazon mom is boring me into praying a bottle of Baileys will show up under the table. I keep looking under the table but alas Jesus is busy. Then it happens every one is chatting up thier upcoming Easter weekend plans!!! I get a grin on my face that rivals the Joker!!! Yay I'll be having the best Easter weekend ever!!! Mentor mom looks excited as she knows most of the things that come out of my mouth are reality show quality stories of craziness and I'm not about to disappoint. I really do have a stellar Easter weekend planned I say. My Easter Vigil will include my gay bestie Ryan and I (who I met at a Huey Lewis concert) prefunking at the casino then watching the Thunder From Down Under strippers work their Easter magic!!! I then ask goodie goodie Amazon where might I find a sequin pair of bunny ears to seal the deal!!!!!!!!! The table gets the super giggles and Amazon mom just looks at me like I'm joking. Little does she know that Jesus wants me to see strippers on Saturday night so its all good sista!!!! Well I'm sure Amazon mom went home and prayed for me and Easter Weekend cannot get here fast enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!