Avengers was great but I could make it EPIC!!!

Yes my long awaited movie of movies is finally here and manchild and I went to see visionary greatness!!! It was bombdigity but just missing one teensey tinsey thing!! A simple fix really!!!!! Okay you know that scene in Top Gun yes the EPIC Volley Ball Scene!!! Ya! Ya! that one.... well that is the only thing missing from Avengers!! I just need to see Captain America wearing shorty shorts in his color scheme with a big star on the ass. Hulk wears purple shorty shorts, Iron man wears his shorty shorts red with a the blue light thing he needs to live placed you know right where!!! Thor wears the silver shimmery armor like shorty shorts with some Galic Thor planetary scripture writing around the thigh area. Hawkeye wears black with arrows pointing to his...... well his big arrow! Black Widow can just bring water bottles to splash the shirtless wonders with water as needed in the scene! This is Cinematic gold my friends!!! Moms like me which I refer to as MWPMFS.....(Moms Who Pay Money For Sitters!!) really need some boom out of their movie experience to know that paying for a sitter was really worth it! Its just a nice teamwork scene that was really needed as a moral booster for the movie! I am going to have Stan Lee over for Lunchables after I drop off Cooper for school to discuss the lack of shirtlessness and maybe making the shorty short costume the new costume for future Marvel Avenger flicks! I really think if they make this tiny change it will make the film Oscar worthy or at least Oscar Meyer worthy (ha ha ha I love me some meat!!). I will be printing this option for Marvel Studios on Fancy paper then going to the top of the studios and throwing parade like quantities of these flyers all over the studio lot!! Just like in the movie She-Devil where Roseanne throws all those flyers off the builing to promote her new womens business (remember that flick it totally worked out for her)! Top Gun Volley Ball scenes more movies need this pssssst pass it on to all the movie moguels you know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its Not Easter without some Thunder!!!!!!!

Yes my night of awesomeness totally arrived and did not disappoint!!! I wore bunny ears, a sequin tube top as a skirt followed by latex like black leggings and a sparklie top and sequin jacket!!!! So I met Ryan at the casino for drinks and food before the big show!! For dinner I chose a corn dog because nothing goes better with strippers than corndogs!!!! My sis in law who is preggers and wearing her best open front JLo like dress to expose baby belly to sweaty man show was there with the other cougar ladies of awesomeness. Ryan got us tix at a table which means closer and more awesomer!! So our table consists of Ryan and I, two older gma type ladies and 3 stuck up snooty chicks who were afraid of the guys perhaps. The show starts off with the Aussie announcer who divides up the room into Party girls and Virgins. So he has the party side whoop it up. Then our side "Virgins" have our turn in where he casually asks Do we have any Virgins in this group. I of course jump up screaming me me me and he says yay right you sit down right now!!!! I am already pumped because I have already made eye contact with Aussie Awesomeness and made myself known!! I really can't believe nobody else jumped up!!! Then the guys come out in pirate costumes and procede to dance to what is the most horrific choreography ever!!! I am fairly boozed up and ready to spider monkey onto any man that comes running shirtless by our table. So half naked pirates are running around and there are alot of women and not alot of time. As soon as one passes me I jump up and get hugged by sweaty shirtless wonder!!! Yay oh wait a minute I am now covered in buckets of man sweat!!! Then preggy sis in law comes running over to the table and says, "A hug is all you got girl! Step it up!" She was right I needed to step up my game and make this show epic!! So the guys drag some girls on stage for dances and then Aussie Announcer comes back and says Who is celebrating something!! I immediately jump up amongst the the bachlorettes and birthdays and scream " I just got out of Prison!" He points to me and says bunny ears get up here and 2 other chicks are brought on stage. I am freaking out at the possible man dance I am about to recieve!!! I am on stage looking around for the chairs and thinking yay there is 3 of us up here this dance will be stellar! Meanwhile Ryan is having to explain my prison stint to the all the curious women in the row behind us!!! Aussie announces we are having a contest!!! I immediately think oh shit what is this!! An Orgasm contest like on the movie When Harry Met Sally. I am now freaking and frantic! Thank God the other girls had to go first. All I could think of was how the hell am I going to win this thing. The other girls are taking thier turns moaning into the microphone. All I thought was Easter and candy. I have my bunny ears on so I themed it! Aussie comes over to me and I tell him my name is Fancy (duh) and that I'm going to do this Easter style. I then proceed to moan different Easter candy names such as mini M &M's, mini butterfinger, Cadbury creme egg, Easter egg, Easter Carrot, Easter bunny until I climax screaming Jesus Christ!!!! Ya I totally won that shit!!!!!! So I get a Thunder from Down Under Tiara and a free pic with all the dudes!!! Then through the rest of the show the guys will run by and oh there is Fancy!. Aussie Announcer got into the action through the crowd and said "Oh there's Fancy" and proceeded to play my leg like a guitar!!! So best sweaty man show ever and then I have to go home and do my night before Easter things. Chris was in charge of getting their baskets ready. I always do the Easter bunny foot prints out front so it looks like the bunny hopped around our sidewalk. Ummm ya I am crap faced out front painting what looks like giant dinosaur/ostrich footprints on the side walk. I even through some half eaten baby carrots around the porch area. So the night was supa fun but maybe next time maybe not right before Easter. Ya right you know I'm making this a new Easter tradition whose with me!!!!!

I Found A Museum Quality Bookstore Virgin!!!

So now that I have been hooked on these new things to me refered to as "Books" I had to run to Barnes and Noble to get the sequals to my favs. No I'm not getting a Bookfondle techie book reader as I know and have said before they will take all human knowledge and turn against us. So taking the kids to the store is sucktastic but needs to be done. We get to the store and its pooring buckets and my youngest minion walks like a penguin so entering the store I look like I'm a late entry for a wet tshirt contest. I am frantically searching for the Hunger Games books and my kids are like Feral Dogs just wild and of course molesting all the books. So we head back to the kid area for some containment and then I see HIM!!! I am not shitting you when I see White Urkel!!!! This guy who obviously is working his dream job asks if I need help. He had round coke bottle sized glasses very Harry Potter like but not the hot way. He looked mid 30's and had stringy hair pulled back into a tiny pony tail with a little whispy hanging down to add to the awesomeness! I am sure he thought I wasn't running on all four cylinders because I was just staring at him as if I was being Punk'd!!! I had grabbed 2 Chelsea Handler books and Bookstore Virgin then says "OH you are looking at Biographies," then proceeds to tell me he has just read the most amazing biography about a man who can only communicate through blinking. He starts chattin about it and this is where I want to use his pony tail like reigns and say "whoa little book worm mamma gots ta go!" Duuuuuude my kids are running around with Megaphone style loudness, I have 2 books about an alcoholic comidian and her onenight stands Yes please I want to know more through your amazing nerdness!!!! Yes grab me Blinking Mans biography and that Presidential biography on Andrew Jackson too!!! So he finishes his blabbing and I say "Can you be a peach and get me the last 2 Hunger Games books?" He flits off and gets me the books but Oh No he tries to sell me on the Nook!!!!!! I just put my hand up and mutter something about robots and world domination but thanks for your help I say!!! Ughh we finally get out of there but yes I have spotted a museum quality bookstore Virgin!!!!! Grab a StarB's and go check him out he is very chatty!!!!!

Jesus wants me to see strippers!!!!!!!!

Omg I totally forgot I had a blog my bad!!!!!!!! So I am involved in a church group called MOPs where every other Thursday you go with all these moms and drop off your kids at the church's childcare and have breakfast and mom time for 2 hours! When I first joined Mops was the only option I had for childcare and they had me at free breakfast and coffee. I kept to myself as to not scare other moms off and some how was asked to be a table leader. The next year as table leader I was more myself and my table mates were pretty cool. I remember all the ladies talking about their evening plans and then me having to share mine which consisted of me and my friends dressing up like the Golden Girls and scarring younger men off buy trying to get free drinks in obnoxious ways. My girlfriends and I dress up outlandishly go to the casino and try to get guys to eat Ferrero Rochers out of our hands like at the zoo. Most of the ladies laughed and some looked horrified but wanted more details. This year I am yet again by the grace of God and lack of other options been asked to be a table leader. This year has been all about me and my lack of mouth filter. This year started off with a lady from my table last year asking more details about the shinanigans of my Cougar night out last year!!! My table this year is pretty tame with my mentor mom ( older mom with older kids) being the only cool mom. So my table is pretty much summed up by mousey moms who super love Jesus and are scared of me!!!!!!!!! So last Thursday I decided to have totaly diarrhea of the mouth due to complete boredom. The ladies were all talking about plans for the week, one girl was talking about how she makes her own espresso, buys the cups, syrup and everything and Cash and Carry. I am thinking to myself as my eyes roll back into my head duh the coffee is free here coupon queen!!! In the midst of going into a boredom coma I blurt out how I wish this place had an open bar to spice up my coffee o'awesomeness!!! Whoops I remember where I'm at and try to keep my alter FANCY from popping up at the wrong time!! The ladies giggle and I proceed to redirect the discussing to how the grocery store should have a bar so you can take shots while shopping down the isle and that they bag boys could be the designated shopping cart drivers. I told the ladies I was in the works of making this a reality and that I would let them know more as things progressed. Then I get up for more coffee and decide yes Fancy should be the table leader this year as its my last year at Mops why not go out with a mortifying bang!!!!!!! We have a new lady at the table inwhich my mentor mom has to introduce to the table because me being horrible at names can't even remember what day it is let alone a newcomers name. She had been sitting at the table all morning I just thought she knew one of the moms at the table and was being chatty... my bad. New girl yes I still don't remember her name except I'd like to call her amazon woman because she was huge, not fat but just tall and big boned but not chubby or anything. Her baby son was the same way he looked like he was 2 but only 4 months!!! So she mentions she went to a christian college and majored in God and minored in Jesus or something blah blah blah. My pregnant Russian mom is not at the table today to wisk me away with stories of her Russian clepto mom on a shoplifting binge at Ross. She thinks the reason Ross now has security officers at the door is because of her mom. But alas the table has limited entertainment and goody goody Amazon mom is boring me into praying a bottle of Baileys will show up under the table. I keep looking under the table but alas Jesus is busy. Then it happens every one is chatting up thier upcoming Easter weekend plans!!! I get a grin on my face that rivals the Joker!!! Yay I'll be having the best Easter weekend ever!!! Mentor mom looks excited as she knows most of the things that come out of my mouth are reality show quality stories of craziness and I'm not about to disappoint. I really do have a stellar Easter weekend planned I say. My Easter Vigil will include my gay bestie Ryan and I (who I met at a Huey Lewis concert) prefunking at the casino then watching the Thunder From Down Under strippers work their Easter magic!!! I then ask goodie goodie Amazon where might I find a sequin pair of bunny ears to seal the deal!!!!!!!!! The table gets the super giggles and Amazon mom just looks at me like I'm joking. Little does she know that Jesus wants me to see strippers on Saturday night so its all good sista!!!! Well I'm sure Amazon mom went home and prayed for me and Easter Weekend cannot get here fast enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Star Wars and Pregnancy are twins who knew!!!

Calm down everyone I'm not knocked up!!! My sis in law nicknamed Salty has a bun in the easy bake oven!!! Now Salty has her bouts with IBS (Irratable Bowel Syndrome) and since she has been with child she has been livin on the toilet while at the same time barfing in a bucket!!! I told Salty I would blog about pregnancy. I thought it would be fun to reference pregnancy and Star Wars and the amazing similarities between them both!!!

Pregnant women - Have a bun in the oven!
Star Wars- Princess Leia has 2 buns on the side of her head

Star Wars- Jabba the Hut sluglike character with no compassion for anyone and voracious appetite
Pregnant women- Just see above statement at sluglike!

Pregnant women= Giant round belly bigger than a moon
Star Wars- Death Star battle station bigger than the moon

Pregnant women- Have giant round belly but still able to have sex!!!
Star Wars- Death Star may look unfinished and yet is fully operational!!!

Pregnant women- Have OBGYN's giving them knowledge on progressing pregnancy
Star Wars- YODA nuff said!

Star Wars- The Force
Pregnant women- The Force to Pee all the time!

Pregnant women- Husband that is sarcastic and saying wrong things during contracions
Star Wars- Han Solo in almost every scene with Leia

Pregant women- Sterile white hospital staff nurses
Star Wars- Storm troopers

Star Wars- Darth Vadar
Pregnant Women- Lead Lacatation consultant (just my personal hellish experience :) )

Star Wars- Chewbacca
Pregnant women- Listening to nutrition advice and what not to eat is like listening to a Wookie talk!!!

Star Wars- AT ST attack vehicle or light saber
Pregnant women- any instruments used in any Dr. visit for pregnancy looks like some sort of weapon or vehicle used in Star Wars.

Star Wars- mass confusion on who Luke's Father was
Pregnant women- Some women have many ?'s about who their baby daddy's are!

Star Wars- Emperor
Pregnant women- Any creepy older complete stranger with creepy fingers that wants to touch your pregnant belly looks exactly like the Emperor from Star Wars!

Star Wars- Vadar Death Grip
Pregnant Women- At some point during labor all women try the death grip hand gesture to shut up baby daddy's!!

Star Wars- Annoying droids
Pregnant Women- Annoying weight scales at Dr. office

Star Wars- Millenium Falcon ( Han Solo's space ship)
Pregant Women- Prenatal Vitamins ( Yes they are to scale the same size as each other!)

Star Wars- Giant lipped singing alien in Cantina singing for Jabba the Hut
Pregnant Women- Giant downtown swollen lips nuff said!!!

The similarities between being knocked up and Star Wars are just mind blowing!!! So Salty when you are barfing at the smell of your own poop (direct quote in email from Salty I shit you not!!!) I hope you think of these little space nuggets of awesomeness!! You should totally knit yourself the maternity version of the outfit Princess leia wears while at the Cantina with Jabba the Hut, its every guys fantasy right!?!? So tell your hubbies to keep their Light Sabers away from the Dark Side unless you want to pop out some Ewoks folks!!! If you are pregnant then may the Force be with you especially during delivery!!!

Cheap pets 4 bday presents = death!

Okay so I am chattin it up with my sista and she tells me my niece went to a bday party that was Ariel under the sea themed. She said "Ariel" was there and gave each girl a shell necklace and photo op! The best is that "Ariel" tells the girls if they wear their necklaces in the ocean they too will turn into mermaids!!! My sister is MORTIFIED as Nana and Poppy live 15 mins away from mermaid making ocean!!! Lets just say my niece is pumped to visit Nana and Poppy where her mermaid dreams await yikes!!! Then the goodies for the guests at the party are LIVE GOLDFISH in little bowls!!!!!!!! My sis is pumped at having to buy food and keep Purple Dot (thats what my niece named it) ALIVE!!!! Now last week my friend tells me that her son got a live fish as a bday gift and she was pissed at the thought of having to keep death away for as long as she could!!!! So these stories remind me of my oh so horrific pet as a bday present gone bad moment!! I was in 4th or 5th grade and lets call her Shemnifer is having a home bday party. All us girls love goin over to her house because A: she has a huge field to go the hills are alive on and B: one of the cutest guys in school lives 2 houses down and always has cute friends over! So Shemnifer doesn't have the wealthiest of families but they got her 3 gerbils. Ummm ya they are kept safely in a CARDBOARD BOX on the floor. There is some hay scattered on the bottom and the lucky little gerbils have Barbie furniture to use at their discretion. They have a vanity table,chair,closet, and a plastic couch!!! Those Gerbils are livin in the glamfactory!!! It gets better people, the cover to Cardboard Gerbil Palace of Glam is a doll blanket!! Shemnifer also has 3 cats yes CATS!!! So the rule to all party guests is that if you play with the gerbils you must have the door closed when you enter and leave. No prob there are only 6 girls here who are stoked about rules and following them. So its cake time outside and I go in to go to the bathroom but one quick stop to check out the vermin I mean Gerbils! I then put back the protective blanket o'safety and leave to use the restroom! OH SNAP I left the bedroom door open, I run in there to find one cat actually eating one of the gerbils and I freak!!!! I remember this scene from a horror movie like it was yesterday!!! Everyone is outside and nobody knows anything so I go outside (racking my brain WTF do I do!!) and Shemnifer's bedroom window is to the side of the table we are at. I say Oh No Shemnifer the cat is in your room (like I could see from the window and now I'm saving the day)! Everyone goes screaming into the house, Shemnifer's dad grabs the cat and throws it through her bedroom bedroom like a boomerang! Shemnifer is crying her eyes out, her dad is swearing like a sailor at the cat. At this point the party has lost its buzz and parents come pick up their kids. My dad comes to get me and I get in the car and we drive off. He says "how was the party?" I burst into tears and blurt out the whole story like the scene in Goonies where Chunk is sobbing everything he ever did wrong from 1st grade so they won't put his hand in the blender! I mean how could the cardboard glam factory gerbil palace complete with blanket o'safety go sooo wrong!! Can't Gerbils chew through cardboard anyway???? Ughhhhh so nobody actually found out how the cat got the Gerbil buffet, but I knew...well and my fam!!! So check yourself before you wreck yourself when buying cheap pets 4 bday presents or goody bags!! Animal death even when there is cake involved isn't pretty!!!!!!!!

Ugly Sweaters Gone Wild!!!

So Manchild is home from his travels and I'm super excited about our night out with friends! Its couples Bunco with my friends and its THEMED!!! I am always up for dressup anything and totally stoked for a theme! The theme is Ugly Xmas Sweaters or just hideous sweaters!!! Manchild is not so stoked about a theme but I bring a Xmas sweater vest for him and tell him he totally doesn't have to wear it but just in case there is one in the car. First stop is the casino for an hour of good times. I am wearing some sort of Doily chrochetted gold ball hideousness that goes great with thrift store high waisted leather pants and sequin leopard print wedges duh!!! I wear my lovliness to the casino as I am the only one with balls (those are sequin too) to do it. So we arrive and my bestie refers to me as Blanche the whole night (yes!! the slutty golden girl sweet!!). Everyone is gambling their childrens college funds away and I am gettin my drink on!!! As I saunter up to the bar Blanche style a 300 year old women comments on how she likes my sweater (score my $ has totally been well spent) I tell her I am going to turn it into a Xmas tree skirt by the time the night is over. Umm she couldn't hear me because she is 300 years old but hell ya she likes my sweater!!! So now we are off to Couples Themed bunco where 5 gallons of Amazing Sangria awaits and a taco bar!!! They had me at taco bar! So we park the car and the men folk banter over Xmas sweater similarities and boom it is said out loud the words "We should wear these with no under shirts!" Holla Game on!!! Besties hubby totally takes off under shirt and throws on holiday sleeveless greatness. Manchild feels the pressure and does not back down but puts on my Xmas holiday splendor. Oh snap Manchild looks like Xmas Abercrombie and Fitch gone bad!!! Leather mistletoe chokers would have completed the outfits but alas my Bedazzler is in the shop! Bestie and I go in and down Sangria as we are blinded and think everything well be better if we are shit faced. Wait it gets crazier as you know how Bunco can be! The booze is plentiful and so are the scissors!!! Accountant firm hubby decides his sweater isn't crazy enough so he cuts a huge vneck out of it to his navel. Then he slits the sleeves so they are trendy boho. Accountant firm hubby gives a piece of his sweater to Manchild to be worn as a headband!!! Ahhh then owns his own business hubby cuts the sleeves out of his sweater and wears them as leg warmers! Owns his own business hubby has also fashioned a headband and the shredding of clothing ensues!!! Accountant firm hubby has now slit his sweater completely down the middle and tied it up like a halter top with a knot! Now here is where shit goes crazy. Screaming and hysterical laughter comes from table 3 in the next room but we have no clue what is going on. Manchild claims Bill Gate's security goo roo hubby has cut the face out of the teddy bear adorned on my yes my sweater vest Manchild is wearing. Manchilds nipple has sharpie eyes so now his nipple is the new face of my said teddy bear xmas sweater vest. Manchilds nipple is the nose and sharpie eyes are now holidayrifically visible for all to cherish. I can't wait to wear this to my church's mom group function next year!!! Manchild says he will buy me a new sweater and it tell him no biggie I can't wait to get home and cut the crotch out of all his pants!!! It gets better my friends, the teddy bear face that was on the sweater is now being worn by owns his own business hubby. Its head is taped to his nipple and he is still workin those leg warmers Jane Fonda style. Manchild has also made the game more interesting ( F'ing annoying) by instead of actually rolling the dice he slams his fist on the table as to make the dice sort of move. This is actually working in his favor and totall pissing me off ( ya its called cheating you bastard!). Well by the end of the night Account firm hubby has completely ripped off his sweater and is wearing it like a hat and he is shirtless!!! I am only hoping that the newer couples aren't completely freaked out by the wild ones and will continue to play Couples Bunco in the future! I am now nervous to all Bunco themes as if there are a pair of scissors anywhere in reach all of us wives are screwed!!!!! If we are really lucky the next theme will be White Trash Bunco and there will be a big contest for the guys to see whose Daisy Dudes (Man Daisey Dukes) can be the shortest!!!! Us wives will need a 10 gallon cooler of Sangria!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!! Cue Death I Found A Chin Hair

So after a beat down at the gym I come home. I'm readjusting my headband in the mirror when terror strikes!!! I see it! I see a black hair the size of Texas under my chin!!! What the Hell!! I yank it out and its like a mile long!!! I am just looking at this long black hair thinking no way did I just pull this off my chin!!! Its like a giant spider leg that was coming out of my friggin face!! How could I have not noticed this foreign atrocity!!! It was so long it could have clipped my phone to it for easy access!! I could have weaved it into a friendship bracelet or put a bead on it! Ughh the only thing I can hope for is that soon black creepy lone chin hair will be all the rage and I will totally be trendy by bringing that kind of sexy back! Maybe more will grown in quickly and I can become the bearded lady in the circus as I hear the pay is good!!!! Today I win the chin hair battle but I hope it doesn't come back with friends!!!

Snowpocalypse Icetravaganza!!!!!!

I AM Alive!!!!!!!! Yukon Cornelius did not come dig me out as planned I almost had to eat my kids to stay alive well almost. Seattle had Snowpalooza then got hit with Icecapades where I was out of power for 3 count them 3 days!!! We had no power and of course Manchild is out of town roughing it at a 5 star hotel! I totally Macgrubered it and put my fridge food in bins buried in the snow. I tried to make a snowmobile out of a package of gum, a cardboard diaper box, and some tin foil but it just wasn't in the cards. I had to fight off a raccoon who nabbed my coffee creamer and some juice boxes. He was real close to having his head stuck on a pole as warning to others that my hotdogs were not to be messed with! I could have used a new pair of raccoon earmuffs though. When darkeness falls at 4:30 boy thems some long cold nights. Shadow puppet theater got old real fast!!! Sleeping with my kids is like sleeping with blind, rabbid piglets. They are squirmy, noisey, grabbing at everything, horsekicking with their jimmy legs!!!!! Then there is the always pleasant screams of terror from the bathroom as oldest's flashlight has gone out while he was taking a pee!! I am flying through the dark through wipe out style obstacles to get him some light. Note to self make sure the dresser drawers are closed before going to bed, they are unforgiving in the dark looking for shin flesh!!!! Ohhh daylight is here now its time for some fun in the snow!!! Lets find all your snow gear and spend 35 minutes suiting you up for what seems like extended deep sea diving!!! Ahhh my arch nemesis kid gloves!!!!!!!!! I shit you not kid gloves and I don't mix. Gloves or mittens it doesn't matter those bastards are out for blood. 30 minutes of the 35 minutes it takes to get the kids ready is just getting the demon hell mittens on. Serioulsy you think yeah mittens just four fingers and slip in the thumb! Oh Hells to the NO!! My kids will do absolutely every finger gesture other than the basic mitten hand. I actually threw a mitten across the room stomped on it, then curled up in the fetal position and yelled obscenities into a pillow pet! When the demon mittens are on it literally takes 5.2 seconds before the snow eats them for breakfast and the kids come in boo hooing my mittens came off!!! Again 35 minutes to get suited up and 10 mins of snow play, you do the math friends!!!! I did have sanctuary though, my shower had hot water!!! I would lock the door and take a hot shower 2 to 3 times a day to get some quiet kid free time. Well until the kids would realize I was gone and then they would lay on the ground in front of the door and kick repeatedly and yell "What are you doing?" I would scream back" go put on your mittens!" I knew that would keep them busy for a few hours. So we survived Snomaggedon and I have a whole new respect for heat and lights. Oh and Mr. Raccoon if you are reading this you owe me a Hazlenut coffee creamer you punk ass nocturnal S.O.B!!!!!!

Rice Krispy Treats the worlds perfect food!!!!!

Okay my sista from anotha mista has challenged me to write about (que harps and angels) the deliciousness that is Rice Krispy treats!!!! These are the worlds perfect bite sized slice o heaven! Some of you may not agree and here is how I will blow your mind with evidence known as the truth! First of all they are supa easy to make and the recipe if you don't have it is printed on the side of the box! So if you are blind or unable to get to the store find a buddy make it a date to the cereal isle!!! Second bit o awesomeness is that you can mold these mamjamas into any friggin shape you want!! They can be huge Krispy Mallowie towers of Glory or bite size yummies so small they can tuck back behind your ear for easy access to yumminess! I like to eat a pan in the closet with the door shut so the children don't know there are any around!! I am just kidding I cut out like 4 squares for the kids and then finish the pan in the closet. Third spectacular tid bit is that you can add shit to them to make them more festive!!! You can add butterscotch and chocolate to them like my Gma did!!! You can put frosting on them, you could even make them look like dog shit and I would still go ape crap for one!! Fourth glory note is that it will make you a more popular mom or Gma! If you want to be the cool mom you'll have those gems out when friends come over!!! BAM oh look at you, you so popular now well until the treats run out. You don't want to be the Gma that hands out broccolli florets when your grandkids come visit!! Bust out the instant love ala marshmallowie hugs know as krispy treats! Fifth and most important little known factoid, they pair with anything!!! Honestly a Krispy treat and wine are besties!!! Shhhhhhh don't speak just let their love for each other speak to you. If you have a moment take a pan of Krispy Treats and a bottle of your fav vino (classy speak for wine) go into your closet or where ever you can have a moment to be kid free. Let the the fireworks of wine and Krispy treats unite well until your kids find you!!!!! The worlds perfect food bible has now been written and so tell the masses. If you have food allergies and can't consume these delectibles then find someone who can. Let them eat one and describe through intrepretive dance and song the wonder that is perfection!!! Seriously if you can't eat them because of allergies I think there are support groups and counseling so please get the help you need. If you don't want to eat them because they will make you fat I cough cough BULLSHIT! Just exercise them off you Lazy Ass, you can run on the treadmill and eat them at the same time!!! If you don't eat them because you don't like the taste well then your dead to me, just don't even read the rest of this blog. You are probably possesed by evil spirits....seek the help you need!!! With that go whip up a batch find your pairing buddy and dance the taste bud lambada!!!!

Me having coffee and play area for the kids = Epic Fail!!!

Ahhh spending time at the mall as a family can be fun! My manchild is going to watch the kids while I spend 20 minutes I repeat 20 minutes in the store. I return to tag out and he wants to run to the shoe store and look at some boots before he is off traveling to Russia for 16 days!!! Manchild says the kids are playing fine in the playarea see ya in a few. I repeat he says see ya in a few! I sit down with my decaf coffee to watch the kids play and this is where youngest makes eye contact with me. He sees that his dad is gone and the battle of wills begins. He no longer wants anything to do with the play area. He is now laying on the floor at the only entrance and making snow angels on the floor refusing to get up to get out of anyones way. I try to coax him back to the play area and then he bolts for the bathroom across the way, time out #1! Then he is laying in front of the cupcake store counter wailing about wanting a cupcake. He settles for juice at the table with his older bro. At this point Thank God that older bro is being an angel and just playing nicely and listening to me. I have learned during time of kid crisis one child is always being awesomesauce while the other needs a swat team to diffuse the horribleness that their crazed public behavior. Yongest was spilling his juice everywhere because that is friggin hilarious to a 2 1/2 year old, time out #2. NO he did not get a time out for spilling juice the time out was for yelling "Stop It!" repeatedly and continuing to spill for funsies. By this time Manchild's shoe search has gone on for 40 minutes!!! I have tanked my unenjoyable coffee because I needed both arms to corner my child away from trying to make a dash for the elevator. This my friends is a crime to coffee enjoyment. Remember I was to sip it while enjoying my children play nicely in a play area not chug it to have a free hand to wrangle my wild child. It gets better friends. I clean up juicepalooza, oldest goes back to playing and psycho goes over to the mall security office door and decides to LAY right in front of the door. I try to retrieve him from the floor when smack across my face goes his hand. We both know this was the most wrong choice on the planet and he goes into time out #3! My voice goes from voice of reason to voice ala Wrath of GOD!!! He realizes he has lost the war and becomes quiet stays in time out and wants to know where daddy is!!! Yes where in the Duece is Manchild???? An hour and 20mins has passed and trotting up the stairs all happy with his purchase he arrives. If Lazer beams could actually come out of my eye sockets and melt someones face off, Manchild would be faceless!!! If I could Xmen out and scream so loud that eardrums bleed, manchild would have bloody stumps for ears. I can barely stammer out the words "Get Out Mall Now!!". OHHH were the kids not good were they naughty. Olderst was fine but the word naughty describes a monkey, we are talking the bad seed behavior, no deaths yet but I didn't get a chance to check the bathroom! I ask Manchild as we are leaving what did you get that took an hour and half!!! Ohh Ohh he is excited to show me his Saddle Shoes yes I said Saddle Shoes, blue and white. I am dying of laughter, I am like holy shit those are real Saddle Shoes for Adults!!!! He said "They are trendy and I like them!" I said yay Leave it to Beaver is really making a comback trend!! Holy crap I had those shoes in 6th grade and now you are going to wear them as an adult male Bwahahahahahah!! He doesn not find me funny at all. I tell him unless we are jitterbugging down to the soda shop I do not have your back on this purchase. Manchild sees the light and doesn't want me to rant 50's references at him every time he wears them so he returns said shoes. If his next purchase is a pair of Penny Loafers he will be banned from all shoe purchases on his own. We head home as I need a glass of wine to repair the nerves from Family Fun Epic Fail! Next time I bring a flask for myself and muzzle, and leash for the youngest!!!

Meth and Teenage Drinking are the best coloring book themes!!!!

Okay so my hubbys aunt works for the county sherifs department . She gave the boys some coloring books they have out starring the real deputy K9 unit they have. The kids were going nuts so I gave them the coloring books to Picaso on. OHHHH man you should see the titles!!! All Methed Up and the other was Teen Drinking The Hardest Lesson!!! Um ya my kids are 2 and almost 5 so its no to late to recognize the signs of Meth Mouth!!! You should see the pics!!! The story is of Meth heads stealing the towns statue to sell for scrap to get money for more meth!!! It describes how they steal your mail to get $ or charge cards to use to buy meth!!! It gets even better, Teenage drinking stars 2 teenage kids with skulls on their shirts drinking while their parents are gone and smashing the bottles everywhere then heading to Taco Bell for 7 layer burritos and getting into a major car accident! Ya you can actually color in a bloodied hand next to a broken booze bottle from the car accident. But it all ends well as the Driving teen does community service by speaking about his stupidity and he now walks with a cane and has a wicked scar across his face. I made sure my oldest stayed in the lines while coloring Meth faces and I made sure youngest scribbled the booze bottles either representing Wine or Hard Liquor! I can see it all now, oldest at a high school party being offered a drink and him pulling Mik and Nero K9 unit out of his mental roledex, remebering the bloodied hand he colored as a child! He will turn and say No Thank You ( because he is a polite teen) and ride off on his hover skateboard which I'm sure will be all the rage when he is a teen!!! Yep and I will be mother of the year for giving my kids hard lesson coloring books as little kids!!! I can't wait to see the next series of coloring books like Behind Bars The First 5 Years or Gang Bangin Know Your Signs!!!

UP YOURS Santa letters!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah the holiday season has ended and I shaunty down to the mailbox to basically collect my mail that almost 90% of goes back into the recycle bin. When what to my wondering eyes do appear are 2 letters from Santa addressed to my children that I ordered in NOVEMBER!!!!!!! OH FOSHIZZLE NO I totally forgot I had ordered these a millenium ago so they would arrive on time and guess what they are here January 7th!!!! So I could totally save them for next year but they are dated and have details in the letter about Christmas at my inlaws. I am so jaded by Santa Letters because I did it last year for my kids, niece, and nephew. My niece's was the only one to arrive so noboday got one because of the holiday crying suckfest that would follow one of the 4 kids getting a letter from Santa. I used a different company this year and still got the shaft!!! But wait it gets better my friends, I got an email from the company I used last year to enter a contest to win something and you could enter by posting on their website so I did!!! I ripped those holiday elves a new mistletoe hole about my experience ala their website. I then recieved an email saying they were looking into the matter and couldn't find my name, order # and all that reigndeer crap. Then I realized that this was last years failed attempt and not this years failed attempt. Well they deserved the jingle bell beatdown and they screwed up last year but they were definitely not going to find any of my info as it was last year ooopsie!!! This my friends has brought me to the brilliant conclusion that I can do this next year on my own! After looking at the holiday splendor that is all a letter from Santa it just winds up being some holiday printer paper with my words on it and a reigndeer stamp!!! As candycane complex as it may seem I too can mail a letter to my kids (who at this point can't even read!!!) and probably pull off the nice list certificate just as well as those Christmas assclowns at the "North Pole"!!!! I am over it and going forward with a new year and waiting to hear if I won the contest from my entry to the first Santa Letter website.....fingers crossed!!!!!

Exercise why are you not my bestie????

Ughhhhh I look over at my treadmill which at this point is making an awesome stage for my oldests battle of all dinosaur battles. There are action figures placed in the cup holders and some gold fish carcass's scattered about (of course those bitches are just crushed into dust because god forbid I just reach over and throw them out, NO they are all jacked up so I have to get out the vaccuum cleaner, F'ing gold fish crackers!!!!!!) Did I mention I have a half marathon coming up in Feburary that I'm running with my sister!!! OHhh God what have I signed up for!!!! I just keep thinking I'll sprout Flo Jo legs and win that mamajama race but alas my Harry Potter wand is in the shop so best get off my arse and get er done!!! Exercise is not my bestie although I have some sweet workout wear we just don't enjoy the same friends. My circle is coffee, trashy tv, booze, damn you auto correct website, Nickelodeon, McDonalds, and bling wear. Exercise really doesn't fit well with my group. If there was a gym with treadmills and a bar or a mini bar hooked to the treadmill I maybe more motivated to go. I do go to crossfit every blue moon mostly to look at the eye candy. Have you ever just looked at a piece of exercise equipment and thought maybe putting a plastic fork in your eye might be a better plan than actually using the equipment or maybe thats just me!!!! Well I have procrastinated or pdiddy'd ( my nickname for procrastination) long enough so time to dust of ye ole treadmill and get my Flo Jo legs a shufflin!!!!

Que Fireworks I am a BloggersaurusRex!!!

Its my first post and I just want to put a shout out to myself at the Frustration I am having in trying to get this blog appealing to your eye sockets!!!! What the Duece I am not a graphic artist but the simple user friendly options I am having are not allowing me to unblah the look of the title!!! So with that I que fireworks Fancy the BloggersaurusRex is a stompin a mudhole in motherhood!!!!! So my blog will be about random shit that you the glorious reader may or maynot find appealing about what is going down in Fancytown!!!! 2 things you should know to get through these blog posts!!!
1- I am a horrible speller get over it if your ophendid !!!!
2- I type like I think so the run on sentences and misuse of grammar is to be expected! I make up my own words feel free to log them away in your mental roladex and use them freely!

I am super stoked as tonight is ladies night!!!!!! This means Manchild (hubby) will be home from work before the gaming witching hour to watch the kiddos so I can eat a meal that doesn't revolve around crayons and eating my meal under 5 minutes. The best part about ladies night besides freedom from the shackles of whinning little people with voracious appetites for anything processed is LIQUOR!!!!!!!!!!!! I heart me some beverages in cute glasses that make your breath able to start your car!!!!! Drinking with my chick friends in an eating establishment that doesn't have a playstructure that smells like horses ass and moldy socks is the bomb! With that I am off to switch from my baggy but coordinated sweatoutfit gloriousness to SPANX and something that doesn't scream Home Hobo!!!!