Ugly Sweaters Gone Wild!!!

So Manchild is home from his travels and I'm super excited about our night out with friends! Its couples Bunco with my friends and its THEMED!!! I am always up for dressup anything and totally stoked for a theme! The theme is Ugly Xmas Sweaters or just hideous sweaters!!! Manchild is not so stoked about a theme but I bring a Xmas sweater vest for him and tell him he totally doesn't have to wear it but just in case there is one in the car. First stop is the casino for an hour of good times. I am wearing some sort of Doily chrochetted gold ball hideousness that goes great with thrift store high waisted leather pants and sequin leopard print wedges duh!!! I wear my lovliness to the casino as I am the only one with balls (those are sequin too) to do it. So we arrive and my bestie refers to me as Blanche the whole night (yes!! the slutty golden girl sweet!!). Everyone is gambling their childrens college funds away and I am gettin my drink on!!! As I saunter up to the bar Blanche style a 300 year old women comments on how she likes my sweater (score my $ has totally been well spent) I tell her I am going to turn it into a Xmas tree skirt by the time the night is over. Umm she couldn't hear me because she is 300 years old but hell ya she likes my sweater!!! So now we are off to Couples Themed bunco where 5 gallons of Amazing Sangria awaits and a taco bar!!! They had me at taco bar! So we park the car and the men folk banter over Xmas sweater similarities and boom it is said out loud the words "We should wear these with no under shirts!" Holla Game on!!! Besties hubby totally takes off under shirt and throws on holiday sleeveless greatness. Manchild feels the pressure and does not back down but puts on my Xmas holiday splendor. Oh snap Manchild looks like Xmas Abercrombie and Fitch gone bad!!! Leather mistletoe chokers would have completed the outfits but alas my Bedazzler is in the shop! Bestie and I go in and down Sangria as we are blinded and think everything well be better if we are shit faced. Wait it gets crazier as you know how Bunco can be! The booze is plentiful and so are the scissors!!! Accountant firm hubby decides his sweater isn't crazy enough so he cuts a huge vneck out of it to his navel. Then he slits the sleeves so they are trendy boho. Accountant firm hubby gives a piece of his sweater to Manchild to be worn as a headband!!! Ahhh then owns his own business hubby cuts the sleeves out of his sweater and wears them as leg warmers! Owns his own business hubby has also fashioned a headband and the shredding of clothing ensues!!! Accountant firm hubby has now slit his sweater completely down the middle and tied it up like a halter top with a knot! Now here is where shit goes crazy. Screaming and hysterical laughter comes from table 3 in the next room but we have no clue what is going on. Manchild claims Bill Gate's security goo roo hubby has cut the face out of the teddy bear adorned on my yes my sweater vest Manchild is wearing. Manchilds nipple has sharpie eyes so now his nipple is the new face of my said teddy bear xmas sweater vest. Manchilds nipple is the nose and sharpie eyes are now holidayrifically visible for all to cherish. I can't wait to wear this to my church's mom group function next year!!! Manchild says he will buy me a new sweater and it tell him no biggie I can't wait to get home and cut the crotch out of all his pants!!! It gets better my friends, the teddy bear face that was on the sweater is now being worn by owns his own business hubby. Its head is taped to his nipple and he is still workin those leg warmers Jane Fonda style. Manchild has also made the game more interesting ( F'ing annoying) by instead of actually rolling the dice he slams his fist on the table as to make the dice sort of move. This is actually working in his favor and totall pissing me off ( ya its called cheating you bastard!). Well by the end of the night Account firm hubby has completely ripped off his sweater and is wearing it like a hat and he is shirtless!!! I am only hoping that the newer couples aren't completely freaked out by the wild ones and will continue to play Couples Bunco in the future! I am now nervous to all Bunco themes as if there are a pair of scissors anywhere in reach all of us wives are screwed!!!!! If we are really lucky the next theme will be White Trash Bunco and there will be a big contest for the guys to see whose Daisy Dudes (Man Daisey Dukes) can be the shortest!!!! Us wives will need a 10 gallon cooler of Sangria!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!! Cue Death I Found A Chin Hair

So after a beat down at the gym I come home. I'm readjusting my headband in the mirror when terror strikes!!! I see it! I see a black hair the size of Texas under my chin!!! What the Hell!! I yank it out and its like a mile long!!! I am just looking at this long black hair thinking no way did I just pull this off my chin!!! Its like a giant spider leg that was coming out of my friggin face!! How could I have not noticed this foreign atrocity!!! It was so long it could have clipped my phone to it for easy access!! I could have weaved it into a friendship bracelet or put a bead on it! Ughh the only thing I can hope for is that soon black creepy lone chin hair will be all the rage and I will totally be trendy by bringing that kind of sexy back! Maybe more will grown in quickly and I can become the bearded lady in the circus as I hear the pay is good!!!! Today I win the chin hair battle but I hope it doesn't come back with friends!!!

Snowpocalypse Icetravaganza!!!!!!

I AM Alive!!!!!!!! Yukon Cornelius did not come dig me out as planned I almost had to eat my kids to stay alive well almost. Seattle had Snowpalooza then got hit with Icecapades where I was out of power for 3 count them 3 days!!! We had no power and of course Manchild is out of town roughing it at a 5 star hotel! I totally Macgrubered it and put my fridge food in bins buried in the snow. I tried to make a snowmobile out of a package of gum, a cardboard diaper box, and some tin foil but it just wasn't in the cards. I had to fight off a raccoon who nabbed my coffee creamer and some juice boxes. He was real close to having his head stuck on a pole as warning to others that my hotdogs were not to be messed with! I could have used a new pair of raccoon earmuffs though. When darkeness falls at 4:30 boy thems some long cold nights. Shadow puppet theater got old real fast!!! Sleeping with my kids is like sleeping with blind, rabbid piglets. They are squirmy, noisey, grabbing at everything, horsekicking with their jimmy legs!!!!! Then there is the always pleasant screams of terror from the bathroom as oldest's flashlight has gone out while he was taking a pee!! I am flying through the dark through wipe out style obstacles to get him some light. Note to self make sure the dresser drawers are closed before going to bed, they are unforgiving in the dark looking for shin flesh!!!! Ohhh daylight is here now its time for some fun in the snow!!! Lets find all your snow gear and spend 35 minutes suiting you up for what seems like extended deep sea diving!!! Ahhh my arch nemesis kid gloves!!!!!!!!! I shit you not kid gloves and I don't mix. Gloves or mittens it doesn't matter those bastards are out for blood. 30 minutes of the 35 minutes it takes to get the kids ready is just getting the demon hell mittens on. Serioulsy you think yeah mittens just four fingers and slip in the thumb! Oh Hells to the NO!! My kids will do absolutely every finger gesture other than the basic mitten hand. I actually threw a mitten across the room stomped on it, then curled up in the fetal position and yelled obscenities into a pillow pet! When the demon mittens are on it literally takes 5.2 seconds before the snow eats them for breakfast and the kids come in boo hooing my mittens came off!!! Again 35 minutes to get suited up and 10 mins of snow play, you do the math friends!!!! I did have sanctuary though, my shower had hot water!!! I would lock the door and take a hot shower 2 to 3 times a day to get some quiet kid free time. Well until the kids would realize I was gone and then they would lay on the ground in front of the door and kick repeatedly and yell "What are you doing?" I would scream back" go put on your mittens!" I knew that would keep them busy for a few hours. So we survived Snomaggedon and I have a whole new respect for heat and lights. Oh and Mr. Raccoon if you are reading this you owe me a Hazlenut coffee creamer you punk ass nocturnal S.O.B!!!!!!

Rice Krispy Treats the worlds perfect food!!!!!

Okay my sista from anotha mista has challenged me to write about (que harps and angels) the deliciousness that is Rice Krispy treats!!!! These are the worlds perfect bite sized slice o heaven! Some of you may not agree and here is how I will blow your mind with evidence known as the truth! First of all they are supa easy to make and the recipe if you don't have it is printed on the side of the box! So if you are blind or unable to get to the store find a buddy make it a date to the cereal isle!!! Second bit o awesomeness is that you can mold these mamjamas into any friggin shape you want!! They can be huge Krispy Mallowie towers of Glory or bite size yummies so small they can tuck back behind your ear for easy access to yumminess! I like to eat a pan in the closet with the door shut so the children don't know there are any around!! I am just kidding I cut out like 4 squares for the kids and then finish the pan in the closet. Third spectacular tid bit is that you can add shit to them to make them more festive!!! You can add butterscotch and chocolate to them like my Gma did!!! You can put frosting on them, you could even make them look like dog shit and I would still go ape crap for one!! Fourth glory note is that it will make you a more popular mom or Gma! If you want to be the cool mom you'll have those gems out when friends come over!!! BAM oh look at you, you so popular now well until the treats run out. You don't want to be the Gma that hands out broccolli florets when your grandkids come visit!! Bust out the instant love ala marshmallowie hugs know as krispy treats! Fifth and most important little known factoid, they pair with anything!!! Honestly a Krispy treat and wine are besties!!! Shhhhhhh don't speak just let their love for each other speak to you. If you have a moment take a pan of Krispy Treats and a bottle of your fav vino (classy speak for wine) go into your closet or where ever you can have a moment to be kid free. Let the the fireworks of wine and Krispy treats unite well until your kids find you!!!!! The worlds perfect food bible has now been written and so tell the masses. If you have food allergies and can't consume these delectibles then find someone who can. Let them eat one and describe through intrepretive dance and song the wonder that is perfection!!! Seriously if you can't eat them because of allergies I think there are support groups and counseling so please get the help you need. If you don't want to eat them because they will make you fat I cough cough BULLSHIT! Just exercise them off you Lazy Ass, you can run on the treadmill and eat them at the same time!!! If you don't eat them because you don't like the taste well then your dead to me, just don't even read the rest of this blog. You are probably possesed by evil spirits....seek the help you need!!! With that go whip up a batch find your pairing buddy and dance the taste bud lambada!!!!

Me having coffee and play area for the kids = Epic Fail!!!

Ahhh spending time at the mall as a family can be fun! My manchild is going to watch the kids while I spend 20 minutes I repeat 20 minutes in the store. I return to tag out and he wants to run to the shoe store and look at some boots before he is off traveling to Russia for 16 days!!! Manchild says the kids are playing fine in the playarea see ya in a few. I repeat he says see ya in a few! I sit down with my decaf coffee to watch the kids play and this is where youngest makes eye contact with me. He sees that his dad is gone and the battle of wills begins. He no longer wants anything to do with the play area. He is now laying on the floor at the only entrance and making snow angels on the floor refusing to get up to get out of anyones way. I try to coax him back to the play area and then he bolts for the bathroom across the way, time out #1! Then he is laying in front of the cupcake store counter wailing about wanting a cupcake. He settles for juice at the table with his older bro. At this point Thank God that older bro is being an angel and just playing nicely and listening to me. I have learned during time of kid crisis one child is always being awesomesauce while the other needs a swat team to diffuse the horribleness that their crazed public behavior. Yongest was spilling his juice everywhere because that is friggin hilarious to a 2 1/2 year old, time out #2. NO he did not get a time out for spilling juice the time out was for yelling "Stop It!" repeatedly and continuing to spill for funsies. By this time Manchild's shoe search has gone on for 40 minutes!!! I have tanked my unenjoyable coffee because I needed both arms to corner my child away from trying to make a dash for the elevator. This my friends is a crime to coffee enjoyment. Remember I was to sip it while enjoying my children play nicely in a play area not chug it to have a free hand to wrangle my wild child. It gets better friends. I clean up juicepalooza, oldest goes back to playing and psycho goes over to the mall security office door and decides to LAY right in front of the door. I try to retrieve him from the floor when smack across my face goes his hand. We both know this was the most wrong choice on the planet and he goes into time out #3! My voice goes from voice of reason to voice ala Wrath of GOD!!! He realizes he has lost the war and becomes quiet stays in time out and wants to know where daddy is!!! Yes where in the Duece is Manchild???? An hour and 20mins has passed and trotting up the stairs all happy with his purchase he arrives. If Lazer beams could actually come out of my eye sockets and melt someones face off, Manchild would be faceless!!! If I could Xmen out and scream so loud that eardrums bleed, manchild would have bloody stumps for ears. I can barely stammer out the words "Get Out Mall Now!!". OHHH were the kids not good were they naughty. Olderst was fine but the word naughty describes a monkey, we are talking the bad seed behavior, no deaths yet but I didn't get a chance to check the bathroom! I ask Manchild as we are leaving what did you get that took an hour and half!!! Ohh Ohh he is excited to show me his Saddle Shoes yes I said Saddle Shoes, blue and white. I am dying of laughter, I am like holy shit those are real Saddle Shoes for Adults!!!! He said "They are trendy and I like them!" I said yay Leave it to Beaver is really making a comback trend!! Holy crap I had those shoes in 6th grade and now you are going to wear them as an adult male Bwahahahahahah!! He doesn not find me funny at all. I tell him unless we are jitterbugging down to the soda shop I do not have your back on this purchase. Manchild sees the light and doesn't want me to rant 50's references at him every time he wears them so he returns said shoes. If his next purchase is a pair of Penny Loafers he will be banned from all shoe purchases on his own. We head home as I need a glass of wine to repair the nerves from Family Fun Epic Fail! Next time I bring a flask for myself and muzzle, and leash for the youngest!!!

Meth and Teenage Drinking are the best coloring book themes!!!!

Okay so my hubbys aunt works for the county sherifs department . She gave the boys some coloring books they have out starring the real deputy K9 unit they have. The kids were going nuts so I gave them the coloring books to Picaso on. OHHHH man you should see the titles!!! All Methed Up and the other was Teen Drinking The Hardest Lesson!!! Um ya my kids are 2 and almost 5 so its no to late to recognize the signs of Meth Mouth!!! You should see the pics!!! The story is of Meth heads stealing the towns statue to sell for scrap to get money for more meth!!! It describes how they steal your mail to get $ or charge cards to use to buy meth!!! It gets even better, Teenage drinking stars 2 teenage kids with skulls on their shirts drinking while their parents are gone and smashing the bottles everywhere then heading to Taco Bell for 7 layer burritos and getting into a major car accident! Ya you can actually color in a bloodied hand next to a broken booze bottle from the car accident. But it all ends well as the Driving teen does community service by speaking about his stupidity and he now walks with a cane and has a wicked scar across his face. I made sure my oldest stayed in the lines while coloring Meth faces and I made sure youngest scribbled the booze bottles either representing Wine or Hard Liquor! I can see it all now, oldest at a high school party being offered a drink and him pulling Mik and Nero K9 unit out of his mental roledex, remebering the bloodied hand he colored as a child! He will turn and say No Thank You ( because he is a polite teen) and ride off on his hover skateboard which I'm sure will be all the rage when he is a teen!!! Yep and I will be mother of the year for giving my kids hard lesson coloring books as little kids!!! I can't wait to see the next series of coloring books like Behind Bars The First 5 Years or Gang Bangin Know Your Signs!!!

UP YOURS Santa letters!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah the holiday season has ended and I shaunty down to the mailbox to basically collect my mail that almost 90% of goes back into the recycle bin. When what to my wondering eyes do appear are 2 letters from Santa addressed to my children that I ordered in NOVEMBER!!!!!!! OH FOSHIZZLE NO I totally forgot I had ordered these a millenium ago so they would arrive on time and guess what they are here January 7th!!!! So I could totally save them for next year but they are dated and have details in the letter about Christmas at my inlaws. I am so jaded by Santa Letters because I did it last year for my kids, niece, and nephew. My niece's was the only one to arrive so noboday got one because of the holiday crying suckfest that would follow one of the 4 kids getting a letter from Santa. I used a different company this year and still got the shaft!!! But wait it gets better my friends, I got an email from the company I used last year to enter a contest to win something and you could enter by posting on their website so I did!!! I ripped those holiday elves a new mistletoe hole about my experience ala their website. I then recieved an email saying they were looking into the matter and couldn't find my name, order # and all that reigndeer crap. Then I realized that this was last years failed attempt and not this years failed attempt. Well they deserved the jingle bell beatdown and they screwed up last year but they were definitely not going to find any of my info as it was last year ooopsie!!! This my friends has brought me to the brilliant conclusion that I can do this next year on my own! After looking at the holiday splendor that is all a letter from Santa it just winds up being some holiday printer paper with my words on it and a reigndeer stamp!!! As candycane complex as it may seem I too can mail a letter to my kids (who at this point can't even read!!!) and probably pull off the nice list certificate just as well as those Christmas assclowns at the "North Pole"!!!! I am over it and going forward with a new year and waiting to hear if I won the contest from my entry to the first Santa Letter website.....fingers crossed!!!!!

Exercise why are you not my bestie????

Ughhhhh I look over at my treadmill which at this point is making an awesome stage for my oldests battle of all dinosaur battles. There are action figures placed in the cup holders and some gold fish carcass's scattered about (of course those bitches are just crushed into dust because god forbid I just reach over and throw them out, NO they are all jacked up so I have to get out the vaccuum cleaner, F'ing gold fish crackers!!!!!!) Did I mention I have a half marathon coming up in Feburary that I'm running with my sister!!! OHhh God what have I signed up for!!!! I just keep thinking I'll sprout Flo Jo legs and win that mamajama race but alas my Harry Potter wand is in the shop so best get off my arse and get er done!!! Exercise is not my bestie although I have some sweet workout wear we just don't enjoy the same friends. My circle is coffee, trashy tv, booze, damn you auto correct website, Nickelodeon, McDonalds, and bling wear. Exercise really doesn't fit well with my group. If there was a gym with treadmills and a bar or a mini bar hooked to the treadmill I maybe more motivated to go. I do go to crossfit every blue moon mostly to look at the eye candy. Have you ever just looked at a piece of exercise equipment and thought maybe putting a plastic fork in your eye might be a better plan than actually using the equipment or maybe thats just me!!!! Well I have procrastinated or pdiddy'd ( my nickname for procrastination) long enough so time to dust of ye ole treadmill and get my Flo Jo legs a shufflin!!!!

Que Fireworks I am a BloggersaurusRex!!!

Its my first post and I just want to put a shout out to myself at the Frustration I am having in trying to get this blog appealing to your eye sockets!!!! What the Duece I am not a graphic artist but the simple user friendly options I am having are not allowing me to unblah the look of the title!!! So with that I que fireworks Fancy the BloggersaurusRex is a stompin a mudhole in motherhood!!!!! So my blog will be about random shit that you the glorious reader may or maynot find appealing about what is going down in Fancytown!!!! 2 things you should know to get through these blog posts!!!
1- I am a horrible speller get over it if your ophendid !!!!
2- I type like I think so the run on sentences and misuse of grammar is to be expected! I make up my own words feel free to log them away in your mental roladex and use them freely!

I am super stoked as tonight is ladies night!!!!!! This means Manchild (hubby) will be home from work before the gaming witching hour to watch the kiddos so I can eat a meal that doesn't revolve around crayons and eating my meal under 5 minutes. The best part about ladies night besides freedom from the shackles of whinning little people with voracious appetites for anything processed is LIQUOR!!!!!!!!!!!! I heart me some beverages in cute glasses that make your breath able to start your car!!!!! Drinking with my chick friends in an eating establishment that doesn't have a playstructure that smells like horses ass and moldy socks is the bomb! With that I am off to switch from my baggy but coordinated sweatoutfit gloriousness to SPANX and something that doesn't scream Home Hobo!!!!