Me having coffee and play area for the kids = Epic Fail!!!

Ahhh spending time at the mall as a family can be fun! My manchild is going to watch the kids while I spend 20 minutes I repeat 20 minutes in the store. I return to tag out and he wants to run to the shoe store and look at some boots before he is off traveling to Russia for 16 days!!! Manchild says the kids are playing fine in the playarea see ya in a few. I repeat he says see ya in a few! I sit down with my decaf coffee to watch the kids play and this is where youngest makes eye contact with me. He sees that his dad is gone and the battle of wills begins. He no longer wants anything to do with the play area. He is now laying on the floor at the only entrance and making snow angels on the floor refusing to get up to get out of anyones way. I try to coax him back to the play area and then he bolts for the bathroom across the way, time out #1! Then he is laying in front of the cupcake store counter wailing about wanting a cupcake. He settles for juice at the table with his older bro. At this point Thank God that older bro is being an angel and just playing nicely and listening to me. I have learned during time of kid crisis one child is always being awesomesauce while the other needs a swat team to diffuse the horribleness that their crazed public behavior. Yongest was spilling his juice everywhere because that is friggin hilarious to a 2 1/2 year old, time out #2. NO he did not get a time out for spilling juice the time out was for yelling "Stop It!" repeatedly and continuing to spill for funsies. By this time Manchild's shoe search has gone on for 40 minutes!!! I have tanked my unenjoyable coffee because I needed both arms to corner my child away from trying to make a dash for the elevator. This my friends is a crime to coffee enjoyment. Remember I was to sip it while enjoying my children play nicely in a play area not chug it to have a free hand to wrangle my wild child. It gets better friends. I clean up juicepalooza, oldest goes back to playing and psycho goes over to the mall security office door and decides to LAY right in front of the door. I try to retrieve him from the floor when smack across my face goes his hand. We both know this was the most wrong choice on the planet and he goes into time out #3! My voice goes from voice of reason to voice ala Wrath of GOD!!! He realizes he has lost the war and becomes quiet stays in time out and wants to know where daddy is!!! Yes where in the Duece is Manchild???? An hour and 20mins has passed and trotting up the stairs all happy with his purchase he arrives. If Lazer beams could actually come out of my eye sockets and melt someones face off, Manchild would be faceless!!! If I could Xmen out and scream so loud that eardrums bleed, manchild would have bloody stumps for ears. I can barely stammer out the words "Get Out Mall Now!!". OHHH were the kids not good were they naughty. Olderst was fine but the word naughty describes a monkey, we are talking the bad seed behavior, no deaths yet but I didn't get a chance to check the bathroom! I ask Manchild as we are leaving what did you get that took an hour and half!!! Ohh Ohh he is excited to show me his Saddle Shoes yes I said Saddle Shoes, blue and white. I am dying of laughter, I am like holy shit those are real Saddle Shoes for Adults!!!! He said "They are trendy and I like them!" I said yay Leave it to Beaver is really making a comback trend!! Holy crap I had those shoes in 6th grade and now you are going to wear them as an adult male Bwahahahahahah!! He doesn not find me funny at all. I tell him unless we are jitterbugging down to the soda shop I do not have your back on this purchase. Manchild sees the light and doesn't want me to rant 50's references at him every time he wears them so he returns said shoes. If his next purchase is a pair of Penny Loafers he will be banned from all shoe purchases on his own. We head home as I need a glass of wine to repair the nerves from Family Fun Epic Fail! Next time I bring a flask for myself and muzzle, and leash for the youngest!!!